Are you ready to shift from appraising to praising; from assessment to asset-ment?
The faculty of assessment is useful for certain types of decision-making. Making sound decisions sometimes calls upon the ability to assign value to something, according to how it aligns with our priorities.
Though, when we judge on auto, we cultivate a mentality of “never good enough.”This phenomenon is known as “the missing tile syndrome” -when you walk into a room designed with tiles, you notice that one tile is missing, and you only focus your attention on the tile that isn’t there.
“The Missing Tile Syndrome is a very big obstacle to happiness. So big, in fact, that it makes happiness almost impossible.” -Dennis Prager
When your default judgment is rigged toward the negative, that’s likely a reflection of high self-criticism.
The antidote- a dose of self-compassion.
Our life experiences are dynamic. Sometimes life feels so amazing, it’s hard to understand why anyone could feel sad. Some days, moving forward feels too overwhelming. Some days feel mediocre, and we feel like we’re just getting by. Sometimes we experience all of the above in a single day.
When we judge ourselves and internalize an unpleasant experience, we’re incorporating a negative mark into our identity, and that manifests as shame.
In her book”Daring Greatly,” Brene Brown teaches:
Guilt- “I did something bad”
Shame- “I am bad”
Negative judgment arises from a mentality of “not good enough” and falling short in an area that we value. It is important to be mindful of what situations/circumstances incite these feelings, and how we respond when they arise.
“If we are the kind of people who ‘don’t do vulnerability,’ there’s nothing that makes us feel more threatened and more incited to attack than to see someone daring greatly. Someone else’s daring provides an uncomfortable mirror that reflects back our own fears about showing up, creating, and letting ourselves be seen…”
What I get from that is this- Let’s say person “A” fears public speaking. When that person sees another person, “B” giving a speech to an audience, if that is a skill that person “A” values, he/she may start to judge him/her self for not feeling like he/she could manifest the courage to do that. Person “A” may react to this uncomfortable feeling of self-judgment by shielding him/her self, displacing the judgment from him/herself, to person “B,” perhaps by finding a perceived flaw in person “B,” for example, criticizing his/her appearance. I heard this happen a few weeks ago, in the form of a comment someone shared with another person, as a speaker walked up to the stage. I felt strongly that awareness about this issue is imperative. As long as it persists in any community, it will cause disengagement and can foster a culture of gossip, separation and lack of trust.
Judgment keeps us and others small. It is limiting, causing us to discount the good that already exists. It keeps us from moving forward and reaching our potential; It’s debilitating.
Fear of judgment can motivate conformity and have significant consequences. It can keep us from going after what we really want, from taking risks, trying new things, daring greatly, and ultimately, from living fully and authentically.
When you feel judgment and jealousy, those are opportunities to become aware of which areas in your life you feel shame and inadequacy. Instead of feeling resentful, try to be thankful to the other person for allowing you to identify what you want or want to stay away from in your life.
Another person’s success does not mean your loss. We can all win, all the time. We just have to choose that perspective. Often, perceiving situations this way doesn’t happen automatically. Take a step back, and then look again.
What you give out, you get back. So, when you demonstrate love, you benefit, so does the other person, and on and on…
Assessing favorably, or “asset-ing” (looking for the positive) often involves taking a second look.
Each of us experiences adversity that others know nothing about, and our challenges are unique. You don’t have to understand why someone did what they did, and others don’t have to understand why you do what you do. We all (hopefully) do what we know best, and we focus our attention on what we personally value. My biggest challenge could be the thing that comes most naturally to you, and vice versa. So, who are we to judge each other? None of us is perfect. We all have unique strengths, and we’re all here because we have a divine purpose. Let’s respect that.
To me, compassion involves cultivating a sense of humanity, acknowledging that we are all connected, we’re all together in this experience of life, we all make mistakes.. we’re here to learn and grow. If any of us were perfect, he/she would not be here. So, why not lift each other up, and help make this a better time for all of us?
Don’t judge yourself for being judgmental- when you feel like you’re being hard on yourself and others, remember that you can choose which thoughts to give energy to. We all have positive and negative thoughts. The ones you give energy to are the ones that persist. With intention, awareness and practice, you can rewire connections in your brain, changing how you perceive and assess situations and experiences. Thinking positively can start to come more naturally!
Focus on the positive thoughts, and when an unfavorable one comes up, CHOOSE to replace it with a positive one.
When you see something you appreciate/admire in someone else, send him/her a blessing, positive energy. My sister and I do this regularly- when we acknowledge something positive in someone, we wish for that person to sustain that quality, to be continually blessed, etc. (we do this from afar- not to the person)
I also do this when I see someone who seems like he/she is going through a challenging time, in any way. When someone seems sad, bitter, defensive, I wish the person well, and for him/her to feel peace and love.
We can all use positive energy- first cultivate it for yourself.
When you live authentically, without judgment, you are freely being YOU, and you naturally inspire others to live that way too.